I watched my granddaughter melt down this morning. Kids don’t hide much. They think something and it comes out of their mouth. They have a feeling or anxiety and try to express it. Once they convey their emotion or explain whatever seem to start the meltdown, we can deal with it. In comparison to an adults handling of their own anxieties, it is efficient. Stressful for the adult or parent, but efficient.

A seven year old’s anxiety is dealt with by a hug, a band aid, and a listening ear.

We sing kids to sleep, tell them it will be alright. Sometimes, we find their pants or their shirt, their shoes or their socks. Simple fixes for their everyday issues.

anxiety

Later, I thought, “Grownups melt down too, but we learn to hide it.” Didn’t Miranda Lambert’s momma say hide your crazy or something like that?

Over the years, I first learned to hide the crazy, then I had to unlearn some of it.

I suppressed so much emotion trying not to be a drama queen that I finally just became flat. After my mom, then my dad, then another series of deaths, I finally stopped crying, but I stopped feeling almost.

There is a happy medium between strong resilience and a lump of quivering sobbing jelly, and it isn’t not feeling. 

I have to force myself to feel things and let the anxiety out in some healthy way.

In fact, I learned to say “I feel” followed by exactly how I feel, not what I think, but how I feel. 

So here goes.

Right now, I feel a lot of anxiety and I am going to try to say how I feel  and then deal with that.

I feel stressed. My house is chaotic and a little messy. I have company and can’t seem to get my laundry done or my hair washed. The dogs are in an out in the cold and wet making further messes. This morning I cleaned the main rooms and retreated to my bedroom to get a grip on my anxiety about what I don’t know.

I also feel like I need to look nicer, because I feel like a chubby bum. You ever feel like that? Now, I am laughing. of course I am not a chubby bum. I am a middle aged mom and grandmom who needs a shower. Maybe some makeup and some good music playing.

Having months of family here at least half the time after not having any visitors on a regular basis was an adjustment. I realize as I write that nothing about me has changed that much. However, when I do have anxiety or feel down, I have an audience.

My company and family has not caused anxiety. It is always there, but I have had to hide my crazy a little more than usual. Another laugh.

In response to this revelation, I release it. Smiling, I ask God to fill the place with his peace and loving spirit. Now, I feel better.

Prayer and writing are my keys to better mental health. You heard it here: Prayer and writing.

If I can just get it out like a seven year old, I can deal with it.

First pray, second write, third pray again.

Barefoot and feeling better,

Kim

the balance between hiding your crazy and letting it out