I miss myself.
I miss the old me that could accomplishment more in a couple of hours than most people in a day. Somehow over time, I have found some balance and allowed myself to take my time and adjust to my new circumstance. With all of the difficulties of fibromyalgia, I still accomplish things.
However, sometimes I am so on, it is miraculous.
I write, smile, clean house, work, wife, grandma, and live a big happy life. Inside, I feel successful, whole, and fulfilled. At other times, on other days, not so much. On the whole, I miss myself.
Living with fibromyalgia and all of its debilitating symptoms is an ongoing struggle. It is apparent to me that we all have some struggle that affects our lives.
Personally, with fibromyalgia, it is unnerving to go from high function to barely functioning within minutes on a regular basis, but I have much to be thankful for. Especially thankful that my illness is not something life threatening, I rally occasionally & charge into my home chores and writing or let my family talk me into a trip. Afterwards, I rest or practice a lot of self care. Sometimes, I give in to the exhaustion and sleep for a day or two. (Fending off depression and illness can sure wear a person down.)
Recently, my energy, patience, attitude, and body image took a nosedive all at the same time and it hasn’t been easy getting back up to fight. I miss myself.
My energy has been so low that my food intake needs have been cut in half, and I have not successfully adjusted. If I don’t adjust and decrease my portions while further cleaning up my meals, I will create a BIG problem for myself. To be honest, I don’t really care about food prep when I am like this, so I have been lazy about what I am eating and my body has become softer and heavier.
You might laugh if you could see all the ways I have tried to embrace my increasing curves. I wear silky maxi dresses that make me feel feminine. For the pool, I bought a Miracle swim suit and for me, it is a miracle! But, every time I look in the mirror, I see my full face, soft stomach, and exhaustion.
I miss myself: Fifty something writer with a wonderful family seeks a healthy attitude while pursuing a healthier body and mind.
At five feet one inch tall, I have been a healthy weight and average size most of my life. Before fibromyalgia, I was simply curvy and happily wore variations on a size 10/12 through my twenties, thirties, and into my forty somethings. With an occasional slide into the 14’s, I could exercise or eat better and move right back into my clothes.
Truly proud of my own curves and womanly body, I could honestly encourage every woman around me to embrace herself and her body without reservation.
However, fibromyalgia doesn’t care about my past success.
As a result of fibromyalgia’s exhaustive nature, I have put on a few more pounds, and fight my increase in size as a daily thing. It has been work to keep my weight down and my size in the misses department. Most of the time I cope with a recipe of order, balance, a healthy diet, movement, self care, and copious amounts of rest.
But, even with my healthier lifestyle, the slow down I experience much of the time requires much less fuel and I need to adjust further or I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe beyond the last couple of years’ purchases in a larger size.
“Seriously,” I tell myself, “You have to do something.”
I don’t want to give in to the pain, the tiredness, the weight, or the depression. I don’t want you to give in to your own struggles either.
Pain has caused me to avoid many active things I used to enjoy. I still try to do the same things though, just slower, taking pains to avoid too much lifting or overexertion less I spend the next four days recovering. Clearly, I have bigger things to worry about than the next size up in clothing.
The only food plan that works for me is drinking filtered water and food that is gluten free /low carb & organic. But, even with all of the knowledge I have collected and success with this health plan, my beautiful at any size and any age mantra has worn thin.
I miss myself. My positive attitude, my fun side, my brain, but mostly, I miss how I felt about myself before fibromyaliga.
When I looked in the mirror, I felt cheeky, smart, and sexy.
Time to simply focus on health and let go of the old definitions of beautiful. We are beautiful. Soft is not an abomination and curves are lovely. Size is relative. Give women, specifically ourselves, a break.
There she is. Myself is still in there.
I will start where I am with what I have. Cheeky, smart, and sexy writer seeks life and a positive self image.
Will you join me?