My thoughts are my own and not professional advice, but I have learned some lessons about dating and  relationships that can benefit other singles looking for love. When I was single, I kept making the same mistakes and choosing the same guys.

Try these tips to help you choose YOU and what you really want first.

Dating at any age is all about how you feel about yourself as much as who you date.

Top 5 steps for choosing you, your next step in dating.

1. First, to be mesmerizing, change your focus from looking for love to seeking that career or hobby that gives your life meaning and passion.

        We are infinitely more attractive when caught up in our own pursuits and goals. 

       When you are passionate about something, you feel good about yourself and are more relaxed.

       Your focus is on your personal purpose and goals instead. Additionally, when you work on your chosen pursuits, you meet people who are working on theirs.

If you are comfortable in your own skin and focused on your personal passion and purpose, love will come looking for you.

2. Secondly, be very choosey when selecting WHO you date as their goals, values, and choices will affect you and the lives of your family.

Seems obvious, but many singles don’t know what they want exactly. Decide ahead of the opportunity what is important to you, and stick to those principals.

     Think about what is important to you in a relationship.

If you are all about family, don’t allow someone into your life who doesn’t want to be around your family, doesn’t like kids, or hates his/her own family. If he or she is allergic to family gatherings, he or she will remain so.

If you are a couch potato, steer clear of someone who can’t be still or vice versa. Some differences are small things and inconsequential, but others loom large in a relationship after the initial infatuation lessens.

     Keep your radar out of the gutter.

 Don’t lower your standards or ignore dangerous or unhealthy behavior.  Sometimes, in looking for love, singles fall into unhealthy relationships to keep from being alone. The problem is that you are now unavailable for a healthy relationship when it comes along. Be choosey.

      Don’t settle for almost.

Save yourself and the other person a lot of heartache, because there will be heartache. What are your deal breakers? Decide now before you meet Charming and he or she cheats or spends your money. What do you consider hurtful behavior? Cheating? Money issues? Sexism?

Do you want comparable values ? Yes, the answer is Yes.

     What issues came up in your last relationship?

Don’t repeat the mistakes of the past and expect a different result. Get your head on straight and choose well.

When you are dating someone, it is not your job to change them, it is your job to choose whether who they are fits who you are.

3. Look out for Red flags:

Some things show up right away such as possible negative family relationship issues or poor habits. Listen to your gut. I’m not talking about differences in toothpaste squeezing, losing things, or socks on the floor.

     Red flags are possible moral, ethical, or spiritual issues. For instance, don’t date married people.

     If the person you are seeing keeps talking about someone from the past, that is a red flag. Trust your gut.

     Don’t date a drug addict or someone whose values are not the same as your own. Years of heartache will be avoided by following that advice.

Radically different lifestyles or backgrounds that create conflict are red flags too. Different money styles or lifestyle choices can cause conflict.

     If he or she spends every dime on their grown kids and never pays their own bills? Red. Flag.

4. Please consider your children.

Until your kids are 18, you are responsible for raising them and protecting them.

Their welfare comes before your sex life, your bad habits, and your poor dating choices.

Choose better and don’t bring someone into their lives that is not healthy parent material.

Most importantly, anger management and physical altercations are not just a red flag, they are a stop immediately issue.

5. BE DATABLE:

Get comfortable with yourself by working on who you want to be. Clean yourself up in every way. Take care of yourself, get a good haircut, and dress like you care about yourself.

Start adding positive pursuits to your life, so that you feel happier. Repair relationships with friends and family.

Be a person someone would want to date by getting yourself together.

Those 5 should get you into dating, dateable, and healthy mode, but I will add one more thing to consider.

Look outside the box.

I think people should date outside of their comfort zone and consider men or women we might not have before. If you have a type and that has not worked out for you, go out with someone you would not have dated before.

Tweak your radar and align your priorities with someone who wants the same things as you do. If you have always dated a player, then refuse to do it again.

Finally risk being alone and don’t settle.

It is brave to say no to something that isn’t right or good for you. The most important part of this time around is you.

Barefoot and writing,

Kim